The Cullens do it Different
by oreo-and-proud
Summary: What happens when the Cullens get bored of playing the nice, wholesome family and they try to shake things up a bit? Beware unlucky humans! Post Breaking Dawn. RE-EDITED! Less amateur mistakes and better writing altogether.
1. The Plan

**A/N: First Twilight fanfic! I apologize for my very, very crappy attempt at humor.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I just like to borrow the characters.**

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EPOV

Finally we were living our happily ever after. Renesmee matured at the beautiful age of seven years (in her teenage years, she was so confused with the rapid changes she'd been going through that all of the Cullen women had to have an hour long sit down giving her "the talk". I thought it was quite funny.)

Her and Jacob are now married (well they've been married for about a century) and Jacob had made sure to phase at least once a day to ensure that he didn't age.

I've finally started to like him, even if it took about fifty years to forgive the fact that he'd basically claimed my daughter at the precious age of five minutes after falling in love with Bella and plotting to steal her from me. I call that progress. Just five years ago I shook the habit of calling him mutt. Even Rosalie calls him by his name now.

Bella and I are living very happily together as well as the rest of the family. We currently reside in Eugene, Oregon which is pretty much like Forks, Washington. Tomorrow we start Eugene Public High School. I'm not very excited as all of the high schools are the same, boring purgatory every four years. I, for one, am sick of it.

We were all in the living room of our new apartment watching some college basketball game or another (minus Carlisle and Esme as they were out hunting). Suddenly Emmett let out a loud sigh and threw the remote on the couch.

"Ugh! I'm so bored of this. Can we please do something fun for once?"

"Emmett what the hell are you talking about?" Asked an annoyed Rosalie. Of course, I knew where exactly he was going with his exclamation so I just sat back and let him tell his idea his way.

"I'm talking about high school." He said, looking around with a steely glint in his eye, "We've always been the boring family that no one knows. Let's make this year different." His eyes lit up with mischief that had sent babies crying and little children running away in fear, "When we go to school tomorrow, how about we start out with a bang. You know, let's see how long it takes for them to throw us out." When Emmett finished his speech and looked around at the rest of the family, he smiled at all of the looks of comprehension on their faces.

"So what does this mean? We can get in trouble with teachers and stuff and be noticed?" asked an overly exited Alice. I for one couldn't wait. For every school we've been to, there has been at least one overly persistent guy after Bella or my daughter or my one of my sisters (and a few times, my own _mother_) and the only thing I was able to do was control my actions and gently tell him to back off. This would all change.

"Hmm this sounds like fun. I can make up a sort of alternate personality. Like acting. Now I'm starting to get exited!" said Bella. At that moment, Emmett piped up again.

"Yeah _right_! Like _you_ could act!" He dissolved into giggles and Rosalie, who was sitting next to him, rolled her eyes through a smiled fondly. I let out a loud sigh and Bella aimed a vase at him which crashed into his head and sent millions of tiny pieces of glass flying.

"Someone better clean that up before Esme sees." Said Alice.

"I nominate Bella and Emmett." Said Jasper from his spot on the floor where he was lounging, not taking his eyes off the game.

When the room was glass-free again, we laid out our plans for tomorrow. Rosalie and Jasper were to be twins (as always) and Emmett was Bella and Renesmee's older brother with Bella and Renesmee being fraternal twins. Alice and I were brother and sister and Jacob was the lonely orphan that had shown up on Carlisle and Esme's front porch when he was a baby. Jacob didn't like that very much.

We had even created our own personalities. All of the guys were going to be evil and assertive (I couldn't help but be excited at my ability to not have to be so polite all of the time) and Bella and Alice were going to be the nice girls (no matter how much it pains me to admit it; Bella was a pretty bad actress if she tried too hard and Alice didn't want to be mean.) Renesmee and Rosalie were playing the mean ones. It kind of worried me that they had both jumped at the opportunity.

"Score!" said Jacob "Let's push around some humans!"

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**EDITED! 11/5/2011! So before, it sucked. But now, I'm re-doing it to make it suck less. Because I can't have a crappy story on my page (even if it is Twilight), it's embarrassing. But I'm not taking it down because some people actually like this fandom and this story... so even though I hate them both and I've moved on, I'll keep this up and make it betterso it can be enjoyed.  
**


	2. First Morning

**A/N: My first reviews! I am so happy someone noticed! Thanks guys. Even if it's only four! Again, I remind you that I'm not the best comedian.**** Italicized is Edward reading other peoples' minds.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I don't want it and I'd hate to be Stephenie Meyer.**

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EPOV

The next morning, we were dressed in the least threatening or intimidating clothing that we could manage. When we had told Carlisle of our plans, he was surprised, but allowed it. As long as we stayed in check and didn't expose anything we were fine.

"Have fun kids, and don't hurt _anyone_." Announced Carlisle sternly as we headed out the door.

"Well, we can promise not to _kill_ anyone."

"Well then Jacob, that is all I ask." He replied, shaking his head hopelessly.

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When we got to the school, the first thing to happened was a seemingly random group of Barbie lookalikes with bad sunburns (how does one get a sunburn in Oregon _anyway_?) and identical hair styles banged on the car window. Everyone, excluding Alice and I, jumped. Rosalie even screamed.

A peak into her mind told me what she thought of their looks and, I have to admit, I would've screamed to.

"Like Hi!" Said a very perky, creepy looking girl who was, for some unknown reason, banging on the window with every word. "My names, like, Stacey!" Then she pointed to the other three identical looking girls, "And they are Tracey, Lacey and Veranda!" _I hate her name it's so unoriginal._ Her thoughts were strangly malicious to be talking about her friends.

"And if you _guys_ ever need anything feel free to like totally ask us!" She flashed a truly heinous smile and Jasper, Emmett, Jacob and I all tried to hide our amusement when we saw a piece of some orange substance lodged in her front teeth. Rosalie scoffed in disgust while Alice giggled.

_ Hmm, _came her high-pitched thoughts that made my head hurt,_ maybe I should've waited till they got out of the car. Oh well, if those three boys are going to be our new boyfriends they're going to have to learn how to deal._ And with that she walked away swinging her hips in a very unattractive fashion and trying so hard that she actually tripped on her own two feet and fell.

By the this had happened, the whole parking lot was full. A huge burst of laughter was heard throughout as the eight of us stepped out of the car.

Apparently this Stacey girl wasn't used to being laughed at, so when Rosalie took revenge on her for trying to make a move on Emmett by throwing a rock at her retreating back, she tripped and stumbled agian. When she turned around and saw everyone was laughing at _her_, she grabbed her apparent groupies and stormed off with a rather large, obvious welt on the back of her head.

The whole Cullen family was in tears (figuratively speaking of course). Then suddenly Emmett shouted in a loud voice, "That's my Rose!"

The laughter ceased as if it were suddenly put on mute.

"Nice damn job Emmett, you idiot!" Alice hissed angrily. All eyes in the parking lot had turned towards us.

_Damn I would love to get her in bed_.

_She looks like she would be good with my pickle._

_ Yummy, he's HOT. _

_I wish I could get her in a closet!_

_ He looks like he would be good with his hands!_

_ Hmm I wonder how long I would have to stalk him for him to fall in love with me._

All of a sudden the whole student body was stalking towards us, seemingly in slow motion, I swear, I could hear classic horror movie music ringing in my ears.

"Emmett," I hissed, "stop that!" The dramatic music stopped.

"IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY RUN!" Alice screamed at us.

We didn't need more of a warning and we legged it at the fastest human speed possible leaving behind a confused looking student body. For good measure, we planed to continue running until we'd gotten to the front office. On the way, we passed Stacey and the Barbies. Stacey stopped us in the middle of the hallway by lining up with her posse.

"I know it was you who threw that rock at me." She said looking straight at Rosalie. Her speaking voice, when not muffled by an inch of bullet proof glass, was almost as annoying as her inner voice. "If I catch you doing something like that again, I'll make your life a living hell!"

"Listen you ugly little cunt, if you come near me, I _will_ cut you." She ignored the surprised and slightly scared looks her family gave her.

Stacey gave Rosalie a scared but trying to be scary look. Apparently she had a very short attention span, because when she glance to the side and saw the rest of us avidly watching the little fight, her whole expression changed. _Ooh yum look at that darker Indian one! He looks perfect for me. Veranda can have the blonde guy, he looks a little mean. Tracey can take the big one, he looks as stupid as her. And Lacey gets the bronze haired guy. Hmm how come every girl is holding hands with only one guy? Are they all couples? Impossible, they are all related. From the looks of it, not by blood but still._

Wow she was a chatty one. Even in her head.

She turned to Jacob. "Hey cutie what's your name? Wanna ride on the wild side?" Then she gave him a various winks that made her look more like she had an infectious twitch.

"Is there something wrong with your eye?" asked Jacob sardonically**.**

"I think something's in it. Maybe you should blow on it for me." Again with the creepy twitching. I was actually surprised at Renesmee for being able to keep her cool, as she usually displayed that she had inherited my temper.

"Listen to me and listen to me good," My daughter stepped up to Stacey with narrowed eyes, "you see this piece of man right here?" She pointed to Jacob who waved and smiled, "He's mine." At her baffled look, she smirked and continued, "So don't you dare touch him, look at him, or even _think_ about him. If you do, I'll know. And I _will_ make _your_ life a living Hell." I smiled, a slow, evil smile that didn't belong on her sweet face, and stepped back.

The only thing Stacey could do was stand and look at Renesmee as if she had grown an extra head and it was trying to eat her. _Well__ dad_, my daughter thought to me,_ how do you like my mean side so far?_ I quickly whispered a "nice" to her and she beamed with pride.

"Well you stink!" Was the only thing that Stacey could say before she and her three friends walked away. Before she could fully pass us though, Renesmee stuck her foot out and down Stacey went with a loud _thud_.

When she stumbled up, she ran away and we saw tears streaming down her face. I would have felt bad for her. We all would've, especially Renesmee, but then, we heard Stacey mutter, "I'm going to fuck those blonde and bronze haired girls up and we are definitely getting those guys away from all four of them." Of course, we'd all heard it. And so the four of us guys grabbed our respective partners and towed them to the office before they could do something they'd all regret.

When we got to the office, there was a very ugly lady with too much makeup on sitting at the desk with a name plate that said Secretary Mann talking to the principle whose name, judging by his nametag, was Principle Knockre

_Whoa,_ Ms. Mann's inner voice was almost as annoying as Stacey's._ And I thought my boyfriend was hot. Look at that red-head. Man, he can touch me anywhere he wants. Wait, no he has to be at least sixteen. I'm 42, that's wrong. Well I do look like I'm 30 if I do say so myself. I could be a cougar. Yummy._

After that last comment, I quickly skipped out of her head, feeling uncomfortable and ignored her weird lusty stare. Unfortunately she did not escape Bella's notice and just like me Bella was not fond of other people hitting on her mate. She suddenly lifted her shield.

_Edward, do I even want to know what that lady is thinking?_ I shook my head no and I didn't need to have Jasper's gift to know that she was seething. Thankfully, Jasper sensed her growing anger and calmed her down.

Everyone just stood in the doorway, so I, as the oldest, took it upon myself to speak up first.

"Hi. I'm Edward Cullen an-" Until I tuned in on the Principals thoughts.

_Oh, look at that blonde girl. I would like to get her alone in a room. How I would kill for five minutes with _her_._

I suddenly didn't want him to know any of our names. It was a very good thing that Emmett didn't have my gift. It was hard to not growl in warning as I listened to his lewd thoughts about my sister.

Jasper, sensing my anger and disgust, asked _is it Rosalie?_ He knew the routine too well, almost always, an adult figure mentally hit on Rosalie almost immediately. Neither of us had had the guts to tell her.

I nodded the tiniest bit and flicked my eyes towards him. He sighed and I heard his bland, sarcastic inner voice. _Great_.

"Welcome. I'm Principle Knockre. Pronounced nock-ray not nock-err_." Even though I would like you Blondie_. I clenched my teeth in irritation disgust. What was wrong with this school? Was every student and teacher perverted and sex deprived? "Ms. Man, please give these young ladies and gentlemen their schedules_." _

When we all moved to the desk, he stood in front of Rosalie, stopping her from walking forward. Her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me." She said in a deadly, forced calmed voice.

_"_And your name is?" He asked, oblivious to the danger he was in as he looked her up and down in a way he obviously thought was discreet. And I'm not talking about Emmett.

_"_Rosalie." She said fearlessly.

_"Yes,_" He said with an air of knowing this already, "that's what I thought. I'm sorry Miss Rosalie, your schedule is right in my office. If you'd walk this way." He started to lead her toward his office and she, looking suspicious and contrite, followed him.

_Maybe she's fiesty._ His thoughts screamed at me, _I'll have her gagging for it_. _  
_

Okay, this was where I draw the line. "Um Mr. Knocker, why does Rosalie have to go with you? I see her schedule right here on the desk."

I smiled slightly as I heard Emmett's, _it's a good thing you said something, because two more minutes and he would've been dead"_. Then the principle's perverted mind slipped his way through my defenses.

_ Damn it! Guess I'm not getting laid tonight._

"Oh you are right here you go." The first one to get their schedule was, of course, Rosalie. By the looks of it he was standing a little too close.

_Eww he smells like a dead skunk._ Rosalie looked like, if she could, she would've thrown up.

"Excuse me but can you please back off the young lady?" Emmett asked in a voice suggesting his patience has been tried and he was barely restraining the urge to kill.

"I don't know what you mean," Principle Knockre said with an air of reluctance, "but I'm sorry if I was." And with one last look and a wink (apparently winks and creepy twitching went hand in hand here) towards Rosalie, he passed out the rest of the schedules. "I hope you have a nice day here in North Eugene High!"

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**A/N: Like it? Hate it? Please leave ****constructive**** criticism. This was a very long one. I have nothing against North Eugene High, it was just a place that was like Forks and the vamps were able to go there without glittering (11/5/2011: wtf... glittering? Really?) too much.**

**EDITED! 11/5/2011! Wow... This was, what, a year ago? I have learned a lot... God, I hate writing in the first person-.-  
**


	3. First Period

**Disclaimer: I do not own the incredible Twilight.**

**A/N: I'm thinking that I will only continue this story for two more chapters. Then I'll just end it. Should I or should I just try to continue this all summer?**

"_I don't know what you mean but okay." And with one last look and a wink (again with the creepy twitching) towards Rosalie he passed out the rest of the schedules. "I hope you have a nice day at North Eugene High!"_

EPOV

Once we got our schedules we quickly compared classes. I had first period with Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper. Hmm this should be fun.

"Hey, you guys," started Emmett before we even got to the classroom, "What if we try out our 'alter-ego's?'" I could see the plan forming in his head.

"Hmm, nice one Emmett."

"Wait I just want to do something first." And with a very evil look in her eyes she was off. Oh this is just too good. And it involves a certain Barbie of ours. _Edward what the heck is Rosalie doing._

"Emmett if you must know what I'm doing," (I swear women can read minds as well) "I just switched around all of the bathroom signs. I took the boys room sign and switched it with the girl's room sign. I bet it will cause a big confusion in the school!"

"Okay that won't be 'till later though this is what we are going to do now. While Rosalie and I are introducing ourselves, Edward and Jasper will be causing a little chaos around the classroom. From what I can hear, no one has sat down yet so take these thumb tacks," he pulled a bunch of thumbtacks from his pocket and handed them to me. "Put these on every single chair, including the teachers. Rosalie and I have try to hog up all of the attention until Edward and Jasper can get back next to us. Jasper, do you think you will be able to make it so that the humans are too embarrassed to look at what we are doing?

"Of course I can, because I'm special like that!"We all stared at him with the 'what the hell' look on our faces. "What? I thought I should have a catch phrase. So I settled on 'because I'm special like that'."

"Oookaayyy? Now you guys ready." Said Emmett trying to rile us up. "Let's get out there and make a 'good' impression!"

"Alright let's go. We are going to go in first and Jasper and Edward will follow." And with that we walked in the crowded classroom in a square like formation.

"Good morning… uh… um hi! You must be the new students!" I felt bad for the teacher. We were late and she didn't know what to make of us. But she didn't want to get us in trouble so she just let it go. "Why don't you introduce your selves?" And with that I whispered a low and fast "GO" to Jasper and we were off. No one noticed us. I was moving as fast as I could dropping a pin on every seat. Pointy side up. Sometimes I would drop two, just because. Jasper finished at the same time I did and we were back to Rosalie and Emmett at the front of the room in five seconds flat.

"Hi! I'm Rosalie and this is my BOYFRIEND Emmett!" said an unusually chipper Rosalie. Then Emmett boomed a big "HI!" Then a guy with a sweaty neck and very bad acne walked up to Rosalie.

"Hey beautiful. Do you wanna see something swell?" Then he attempted to wrap his arms around her in an uncomfortable looking hug. Before Rosalie could react, Emmett grabbed the kid by the collar and just as he was about to punch him in the face Rosalie held up her hand. _Man she never lets me do anything fun. I was just getting into character! _Emmett slowly and unwillingly set him down.

"Hi." She addressed the kid who was still partly scared. "I have a question. Did it hurt?" This made him happy. He knew where this was going. _Edward, please explain to Emmett. We shouldn't leave him in the dark._ I quickly told Emmett and Jasper her plan and they both had the 'ohhhh' moment.

"Did what hurt honey?"

"When you fell from heaven of course!"

"Aww baby you are so sweet. No it didn't hurt."

"Oh really? Because your face got FUCKED UP!" And with that the whole class (having listening in the whole time) bursted out in a loud roar of laughter. Even the teacher couldn't help herself. Finally the teacher, Mrs. Barge, told everyone to take their seats.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Came a very high-pitched screech which was followed by several others. Every human in the room jumped strait out of their seats. One kid in front of me fell backward and knocked his head on my desk. I was trying really hard not to burst out laughing at that site right there. Then Emmett surprised all of us. Apparently he still had a whole stash of thumbtacks left. He promptly threw a box at me, Jasper and Rosalie. Then he started pelting the humans with tacks. I caught on quickly. There was this one boy who was really getting on my nerves with fantasies of him with Bella and Renesmee so I mainly aimed for him. I made sure to fixate the thumbtacks so that the point would land exactly on my target. Every time I hit him, it was more painful than the last.

This was strange. Usually I was the nice gentleman. But now I was like a dictator! This gave me a weird high feeling. I took advantage of this newfound feeling and grabbed as much thumbtacks as I could and using as much strength as possible without arousing suspicion, I threw them at everyone around the room not even aiming. I heard at least twenty high pitched screams and I only hit one girl.

"EXCUSE M- EEEPP!" Suddenly every one stopped. Apparently when I threw a tack, it hit the principle square on the side of his face. Now this is when I could not hold in the laughter. I bursted out laughing very loud and the principle started crying. CRYING! I mean seriously, he's, what, 50? And he is sitting here crying because a thumbtack got stuck in his cheek. PLUS he had a very girlish scream.

"Knocker? Man up! Whats wrong with you? First you hit on my sister then you cry because of a thumbtack?" Then for good measure, I pointed my finger at him and said in an evil voice, "you disgust me!" And with that I sat in my chair very happy with my work today so far. Clearly he was baffled so he just sniffled wiped his eyes and started to walk away then he decided to turn, sneering at me and said,

"Mr. Cullen, report to my office before next period! And it's pronounced nock-RAY! ITS FRENCH!"

"Whatever floats your knockers." Then he gave me a last glare before running (yes he was running) to his office.

When the teacher finally had the class under control, she quickly skipped introductions and began. "Okay welcome to Math class! Today we will be reviewing. Just to see what you know." Unbelievable, there were still whimpers coming from the weak humans. It was really loud and very obnoxious. Why did it sound like it was so close to my ear? I peeked out of the corner of my eye and found the annoying noise. What the hell? Another Barbie? It was like they were following us.

_Maybe if I show I'm in pain, he will want to help me!_ *whimper* *whimper *sniffle*.

Oh my goodness she was really annoying me to the point that I could not ignore her anymore. "Is there a problem?" I asked looking at her in my most (as Bella called it) dazzling way. Lets play with her head a bit.

_Woah!_ "Umm, uh… no, not at all!" _He noticed me!_

"Then can you shut the fuck up?" I replied dropping the dazzle and turning up the fear._ Wait what did I do? I was just trying to get his attention. Dang, Stacey is going to kill me for not getting him to like me yet. Wait I never even told him my name!_

"Oh and by the by, I'm Lacey!"

"Bitch, did I ask you?" Wow that last one felt wrong. Oh well. By her response I suppose she is not surprised to be called that. All I heard in her mind was, _Yay he knows my nickname!_

**A/N: So what do you think? And have anyone seen the Eclipse movie yet? I LOVE IT! IT WAS THE BEST MOVIE YET! At the end did you notice how Bella didn't seem completely dependent on Edward? Nice! I LOVE YOU EDWARD! *serious face* don't forget to review.**


	4. Lunch Pt1

Jasper's POV

Well that was an eventful class. It was now lunch and the whole school was in an uproar.

"Like, what the hell, get out of the like, girls room!" this was the voice of Tracey. Ugh!

"What are you talking about? This is the boys room!" Came a weaker male voice.

"No its not! The girls room is like always the door on the left! PERVERT! UGH!"

Then there was what sounded like a kicking noise, a thud and the male mumbled "Not there. Why there?" Then I was getting an undercurrent of pain. This was happening around the corner but obviously we could hear it.

"Good job Auntie Rose, that sounds like one hell of a confrontation!" Renesmee of course.

"Emmett why do you have balloons?" Rosalie asked as he pulled out about 20 black balloons.

"Another prank of course." And just like that he was gone. What got into Emmett and how did he get all of this stuff? Oh well we will find out later I guess. Just then a huge combination of lust and mischief hit me. It was pretty sickening considering who it came from. In came the 4 barbies. Fabulous.

"Like hi! I'm Veranda and I totally think you are a sexy piece of ass!" This was directed at me. The combination of the way she tried to make her voice deeper, her crappy valley girl impersonation and her words were enough to make me visibly gag. Instead of hurt though, annoyance came out from all four girls at my rejection at the one. It was very strong. This just made me annoyed.

"Are you okay? Maybe you like should come with me. I like totally could make it all better." I felt Alice tense up as she got mad. So I tried to be comforting and pulled her close and kissed her lightly. Half calming her and half calming myself.

"Excuse me. Can you like please stop kissing this pocket-sized elf and like pay attention to me?" Oh no she did not just insult my Alice. MY Alice! The only people who could do that was family only because it was just teasing. But this was intended to inflict pain. And when felt a small ripple of hurt from Alice I got really mad.

"Who are you calling an elf you sunburned trailer-trash. You really need to get glasses because you are uglier then Amy Winehouse! **(A/N: No offense to Amy Winehouse. I just thought of Disaster movie!)** Oh and by the way, you have something on your face, oops sorry that's that big pancake you call a nose." When I was done with my rant it looked like she was about to cry. Oh well. This was when Emmett came back, balloon-less, and having an wannabe innocent look on his face.

Before he could say anything though, Tracy spoke up. "He big guy. I'm like Tracey and you look pretty. No wait, not pretty guys aren't like pretty are they. I meant you look like fabulous. No wait, guys don't look fabulous either." Was she really thinking out loud during a conversation? What was wrong with this chick? "Hmm, oh I got it. Okay. You. Look. Hot." Between each word she paused like she was really concentrating on it. I thought her little speech was over. Apparently Emmett did too, but when he tried to say something Tracey started babbling again.

"So I was wondering, if you would want to go out sometime? I mean we could do anything. Go to a movie, dinner, dancing, roller skating, ice skating, I can't ice skate bu-" Then she was cut off by Emmett. He was very bored. Rosalie was very mad at this point and so Emmett stepped in.

"Um, excuse me but you have a big mouth and you talk to much so can you please just go away? I have no interest of dating you so if you please just go back to your hole I would really appreciate it." Then he gave a little wave like he was saying bye to a toddler. So already me and Emmett managed to make two girls cry on the first day of school. Nice! Edward gave me a funny look but I shrugged it off.

"Okay so back to what I was saying," started Emmett. "At the end of the day come outside and wait. Just wait, watch and listen."

Just then about the whole football team with oversized jackets (very clichéd by the way) came strutting up to our table. Most were scared but they tried not to show it. At least there human instincts were working. Then one of them came up to Jacob and grabbed his collar.

"You making eyes at my girl kid?" Then Jacob started trembling.

**A/N: What does the jock want? Can Jacob keep it together? Who is this girl? R&R!**

**P.S: Sorry I took so long. A little hard to come up with ideas. Any help?**


	5. Lunch Pt 2

**A/N: Here it is!**

**Jacob POV**

_"You making eyes at my girl kid?" Then Jacob started trembling._

What the hell? _Keep it together, keep it together._ I kept telling myself. It was hard to do still. Even with Jasper trying to keep me calm. "Who and what are you talking about?" I said in a snarl.

"My future girlfriend. Right there." And he pointed a long slim finger towards Nessie. Oh no he did not just stake a claim on my imprintee. It was time to get bad ass on this kid. I didn't say a word I just slowly stood up.

When standing, I was easily a foot taller then the guy, so he immediately let go of my shirt and stepped back to his posse. "Say that again!" I practically barked at him. He flinched at this and I heard the Cullens' snickers behind me.

"Um…" he started in a weak voice. "I said *clears his throat* leave her alone! She is _mine!_" At this I only went slightly out of control. Very carefully, so as not to break any bones, I grabbed a hold of his arms and shook him. Hard.

"Get this through your brain." I said shaking him in between each word like he was a rag doll, "That girl is _mine_. You will never have her because you are a fugly walking STD." And with that, I set him down and stepped away.

At first he just stood there shocked. Then I heard Alice gasp and he swung a punch at my face. I was surprised at how I didn't feel it. It was almost less painful then when Bella punched me so many years ago.

By the look of his face, he didn't expect me to do nothing. "You punch like a bitch." Then he stepped back towards the other football players.

"C'mon guys lets show this kid how we play!" But before they could even move, Jasper, Emmett and Edward were at my side. Everyone but two of the guys were left, the rest we saw running out of the cafeteria. The one that grabbed my collar, looked around him to only see his one friend left. His face lost all color.

Since it would probably be weird if I lifted up full grown human by myself, I grabbed the leader's hands and Emmett grabbed the feet. Jasper and Edward grabbed the other persons hands and feet. Then slowly Emmett and I made the jock do a back bend that probably was not healthy but who cares because he made a pass at Renesmee. Then, while he was still doing a backbend, we dumped him in the trash.

Then ever so carefully I punched him in the face, careful not to draw blood. Happily Edward and jasper left me with the pleasure of punching the other kid. Then all four of us left them (close to crying). When we returned to the table the girls were congratulating us. I gave Nessie a chaste kiss. Then the bell rang. Well time to go back. So I grabbed Nessie's hand and started to walk to class.

Before we could get there though, an announcement came on the loudspeakers.

"_Would all sophomores, please report to the auditorium." _Came a crackly voice from the cheap intercom.Well this should be fun.

When we all arrived at the auditorium and took our seats.

"Hello students, this is Principle Knockre. We are proud to announce that we will be headed on a school field trip. To…" Then he tried to do a drum roll with his hands but I guess he hit himself in the chest to hard because he stopped and started gasping for breath. When he pulled himself together he cleared his voice and continued to speak. "Canada!" A round of 'yes's' and 'score's' when around the room. What the hell? Canada? How random can you get. Then I heard a familiar voice. 'Oh hellz yea!' This came from Emmett. When I looked over at him he had an evil smile on his lips.

"Think about it! What trouble can we get into abroad, with no parents, and almost no restrictions." Then I got exited. The Cullens/ Blacks were going to Canada!

**A/N: Oooo Canada! Bacon! Lol. Sorry I always take so long. I will try to get more up tomorrow or later tonight. Reviews make me update sooner! Check out my other stories! Please? I'm not desperate or anything****J**


	6. Mind Rapeing

**A/N: Yes I know this is going really fast paced! This is just for all that is funny.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own everybody hates Chris, my wife and kids or twilight or do I?... no****L**

"_Think about it! What trouble can we get into abroad, with no parents, and almost no restrictions." Then I got exited. The Cullens/ Blacks were going to Canada!_

EmPOV

We just got the news that we were going to Canada for two weeks! Score! Canada is the coolest place to be. I heard they have a lot of mouse there. And foxes yum! We just got home and had to get the permission slip thingy signed by Carlisle and Esme. We were leaving in just two weeks by plane. **(A/N: again sorry for the fast paced-ness) **

"Are you guys sure you want to do this? Immean, two weeks surrounded by humans practically 24/7? How are you going to find time to hunt?" Asked Carlisle. His words were saying 'maybe you should stay' but I knew he was secretly ecstatic about not having to be bothered by us for two weeks. So I reassured him,

"Of course we're sure! We were going to sneak out while the humans were sleep any way. We'll just go hunting one night." for some reason he didn't look to assured but he complied.

"YAY! We are going to have so much fun! We all need new outfits. Time to go shopping!" Alice of course. I swear she needs a new hobby.

After about seven hours of following Alice and Rosalie around the mall, we finally had two weeks worth of new clothes for everyone. Even Carlisle and Esme. They aren't even going! I haven't really been paying attention to conversation while we walked around the mall but then I heard Alice say my name.

"Emmett is too big. I swear, while he was a human, he was on steroids." as she said this every one started laughing. What were they talking about that led them to me and steroids? Hehehe, well two can play at that game. I have been saving this one up for just the right moment.

"Well at least I'm not some crazy shopping obsessed gnome." this was really funny to me because gnomes are ugly things with big white mustaches and crinkled up faces. HA! Take that!

Well obviously she didn't take it very well because the next thing Alice said to me kind of hurt.

"Gnome! GNOME! Gnomes are ugly little men with scrunched up wrinkled faces and ugly beards who look like rapist waiting to get you alone! With there creeptastic smiles and soul-less eyes! I think you have me confused with yourself!" Did she just call me a rapist? Did I look that creepy? Well that shut me up for the rest of the day. My head was to full of questions to talk.

The next day when we got to school we had another assembly meeting.

"Hello students. This is principle Knockre. As you have heard, in two short weeks we will be taking a trip to Canada! I assume all of you have gotten your permission slips signed? Raise your hand if you did." they only ones that raised there hands were us and some kid with a mean overbite. "Well if you kids want to go to Canada, you are going to have to bring in those signed slips! If your slip is not in by tomorrow, for we will be choosing rooms tomorrow, you will not be able to go."

I swear all, eyes were on us for like two seconds. But I shook it off. But a look from Eddie told me it was bad. He looked pained. Like he was constipated. He glared at me and I gave him an innocent little wave. It was either the constipated part or the Eddie part that got him mad. Oh well he should just stop mind raping me. He heard that one to.

"For the last time Emmett, I am NOT mind raping you!" Edward said in an angry voice.

"Ew don't say it out loud! It sounds wrong!" This earned me a slap on the back of the head from numerous hands.

The rest of the day pretty much went by normally. The students probably took the hint from yesterday to stay away from us.

When we got home I went strait for the TV.

"Emmett did you do your homework?" Man, parents just don't understand.

"I'm about to do it now mom." I saw her smile as I called her mom. Would she ever get used to it? I didn't care as long as it made her happy.

So I went upstairs to the bedroom I shared with Rose. She was already there finishing up her homework. Vampire speed had its perks.

"Hey babe!" I said as I sat next to her on the bed. I leaned in for a kiss but she pulled back.

"No no no. You know where kisses lead and you didn't do your work yet." She was right. I did know and I was hoping for it to. So I took out my homework and did it as fast as I could. A minute later I was finished.

"Finally done! Now lets get bu-sy!" Again I leaned in for a kiss, but just as I was about to touch her lips to mine, the little gnome decided to yell,

"Rosalie! Can you please help me with my toes?" And with that Rosalie got up and after a illegally teasing smile flounced away.

"Dammit Alice! I was about to get laid!" I muttered. They both laughed. My little sister is super mean.

Lets just say that Alice and Rosalie had to choose between 2,753 nail polish colors and I knew I wasn't getting any tonight.

To pass the time, I decided to watch TV.

It was around five o'clock so nick at night was on. I was watching Everybody Hates Chris. This show is funny as hell. I feel so bad for Chris though. And then there is that cool jingle in the end "everybody hayates chriiiiiiss." Classic comedy right there. Then a commercial came on.

"OH SHIT! MY WIFE AND KIDS IS COMING ON NICK AT NIGHT!" I love that show! It is so funny. Michael is bald! Just then Edward came walking downstairs holding Bella's hand. That's probably the farthest he's gotten tonight since he used to be super virgin. And people laughed at the forty year old virgin! He probably sucks in bed from lack of experience.

"Emmett, your one to talk. You didn't even touch Rose today. And what's with all the yelling?"

"Well if you must no Eduardo, by the way that rhymed, the bestest show ever is coming to nick at night! My Wife and Kids!"

"Oh yea. I heard of that show. Didn't they get canceled at like the worst part? Just like Everybody Hates Chris?" He said. I silently thanked him for bringing back those painful facts. He scoffed.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY! How could you end a series right when **(A/N: My Wife and Kids and Everybody Hates Chris spoilers here.)** we find out that Jay is pregnant and another one right before Chris is about to say if he got excepted for his GED? What the hell!" I ranted. That really got me mad. I rewound the TV like fifty times to make sure I didn't miss anything!

Edward and Bella just laughed. Meanies. I left and got ready for school.

When We got to school we had yet _another_ assembly meeting. Really do we ever have a normal school day?

"Okay students. This is Principle Knockre." Why does he always begin speeches like that? We know who you are dude. "Did everyone turn in there permission forms? Raise your hand if you did." Every one except five kids raised their hands. I was actually surprised. "Okay good. You five either bring it in tomorrow or you will not go. Now it is time to choose your roomates. Get into groups of four. NO COED!" Well that sucked. I better be getting some on this trip. Emmett minus sex plus two weeks make Emmett go crazy. Oh yeah, we are going to sneak out anyway.

"Now," The principle continued, "Choose wisely. If you all of a sudden want to change groups the day before the trip that is just to bad. You will not be changing at all. There are two queen sized beds so you will have to sleep with at least one person. Guys you to." PAUSE! That's gay. "Now, ready, set, GO!" Then pretty much all hell broke loose.

**A/N: About the 'pause' part. That was from the boondocks. It pretty much means that whenever you or someone says something gay you have to say pause its like saying no homo. **

**Well that's it. How do you like it? I like writing in Emmett's point of view. I might do it more often. I love my wife and kids and everybody hates Chris by the way and I was really mad about the series finale's**

**REVIEW! Oh and the reason I didn't update. I'm sorry I'm just lazy as hell. I'll try to get more up sooner.**


	7. If You Were Gay

**A/N: I was watching Glee season 2 premiere whilst writing this so I was in a very happy mood! Enjoy your update!**

**P.S.: Excuse is a very good one by the way. Look at the bottom.**

"_Now, ready, set, GO!" Then pretty much all hell broke loose._

EmPOV

For some unknown reason one of the four barbies called out "I GOT EMMETT!" well that was weird. What did she get from me? Then Edward answered my unspoken question.

"She wants to be in your room dumb-ass." well that was unnecessarily mean. But I got it so I yelled back at her,

"No coed you stupid crack fiend!" Good and bad things about no coed. Good; I don't have to be pestered by girls wanting to be in my group. Bad; I can't be in Rose's group without breaking the rules.

For some reason, some people just didn't know what 'no coed' meant. Guys kept asking our girls and the girls kept asking us guys. This school was crazy. Of course in the end it was just us guys (who wouldn't be sleeping except Jake) and the girls (who wouldn't be sleeping except Nessie).

After several minutes (you would think they already got there groups by now. I mean really!) we were dismissed to class. I had Trigonometry.

I got bored very fast.

Just my luck. Edward was sitting in front of me. I was next to Jasper. Well what was wrong with a little fun? Just as I was plotting, Edward spoke in a low quick voice. Only Jasper and I was able to hear it.

"Emmett I can read your mind. Now get your head out of your ass and pay attention!" That was mean. Well fine Eddie-boy. You are officially on my 'hate' list. "Oh I'm so scared." Whatever.

Just to piss him off, I began to sing in my head.

_**IF YOU WERE GAY**_

_**THAT'D BE OKAY.**_

_**I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,**_

_**I'D LIKE YOU **_

_**YOU SEE,**_

_**IF IT WERE ME,**_

_**I WOULD FEEL FREE**_

_**TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY**_

_**(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)**_

Edward tensed up. I could tell he was angry. Jasper was looking somewhere between amusement, confusion and anger. The anger probably from Edward.

_**IF YOU WERE QUEER**_

_**I'D STILL BE HERE,**_

_**YEAR AFTER YEAR**_

_**BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME,**_

_**AND I KNOW THAT YOU**_

_**WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,**_

_**IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,**_

_**"HEY! GUESS WHAT,I'M GAY!"**_

_**(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)**_

_**I'M HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU.**_

I swear I saw steam coming out of his ears!

_**SO WHAT SHOULD IT**_

_**MATTER TO ME**_

_**WHAT YOU DO IN BED**_

_**WITH GUYS?**_

He snapped a pencil or maybe it was the chair? Yep definitely the chair. Gonna be hard explaining that one. Some girl he was sitting next too tried to inconspicuously scoot her chair away from him

**IF YOU WERE GAY**

**I'D SHOUT HOORAY!**

I heard a low growl. He couldn't do much to me at the moment and we both knew it. Jasper was starting to get frustrated to be out of the loop.

**AND HERE I'D STAY,**

**BUT I WOULDN'T GET IN YOUR WAY.**

**YOU CAN COUNT ON ME **

**TO ALWAYS BE**

**BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,**

**TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,**

**YOU WERE JUST BORN THAT WAY,**

**AND, AS THEY SAY,**

**IT'S IN YOUR DNA,**

**YOU'RE GAY!**

The bell rang and I ran out of there as fast as humanly possible, dragging Jasper beside me explaining. Edward was so pissed he was still for a second.

Still running I pulled Jasper (who was laughing uncontrollably along with me) up to Rosalie, Alice and Bella who were waiting by the lunch entrance. I explained to them what happened and everyone started cracking up except for Bella. I couldn't tell if it was either for respect of her husband or because she didn't get what exactly made it so funny. I quickly explained in case it was the later.

"When Edward was still single he would hardly let another girl near him. The only one's that he even talked to at all when he didn't have to was Rose, Alice and Esme. Me and Jasper decided that there was a reason for this. We told him our theory and he completely flipped out!" Ah memories…

"_Edward, Emmett and I feel that we need to have a discussion," Jasper said as we walked into the room where Edward sat playing the piano softly. We were carefully blocking our minds as to not startle or upset him. "We think that there is a reason for your century old dusty, untouched, still intact cherry."_

_He stopped playing._

"_What do you two want?" He said through gritted teeth. I decided to intervene._

"_Ed, ma man, we get it. You don't have to hide it anymore. We are all cool with it and we except you for who you are. Taste the rainbow man!" He just stared at us with an unbelieving look on his face. For a split second I thought he was going to shout 'Good, because I have been keeping this in for to long' or something along those lines. But that's not what we got._

"_WHAT THE HELL! YOU TWO THINK I'M GAY! DO I LOOK GAY!"_

"_Well, Edward, you do kind of play only slow soft music and you listen to crap like Clair De Lune. Your hair is always perfect, Alice doesn't even feel the need to help you with clothing choices… at all… and you keep wearing those damned tight pants. You don't even talk to women. When's the last time you had a boner man?"_

_This however didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. He didn't yell or beat us up. He just stood up and with a deathly calm voice he said,_

"_I am not gay. I love women and I am a virgin because unlike you EMMETT I do not just bone a random hooker just for fun of it if I do not have a steady girlfriend already. Hasn't it ever occurred to you two morons that I am saving myself. That I don't just want a one night stand!" With nothing more he stalked out of the room._

_Jasper and I just sat and stared at where he left. "Man, I didn't think he would have a hissy fit." I said after he left._

"_I know right." Then Jasper did an impression of Edward leaving the room. "Well then," he said in a voice that was a mix of Edward and Perez Hilton whilst flipping his hair, "I'm just going to go find a girlfriend and prove them wrong I will." Edward probably went for a run because we didn't hear a peep from him. With another flip of his hair Jasper walked out of the room, "Alice honey," he still kept up the façade, "I need a mirror to check my hair and make sure my jeans are tight enough." I couldn't help the bellowing laugh that came from me as I went upstairs._

_I went into my room and I saw my Rosalie on the computer laughing at something. The words 'If you were gay' were coming out of the speakers. She was on youtube watching the puppets from sesame street, Bert and Ernie singing. Their lips didn't match the song though. It was funny as hell! I showed Jasper._

_For months on end we would sing that song in our head whilst around Edward. Finally he found Bella._

"Oh my goodness you guys are so mean!" said Bella, gasping for breath, once we explained the story. Then she sat up strait, changing her features into what she probably thought was a nonchalant expression, and looked behind me. I turned and I saw Edward baring down the hall, pushing everything and anyone out of his way, a murderous expression on his face.

A boy of about my height stepped out in front of him, blocking his path to us. "Hey Cullen, I'm just about sick-" but he didn't get to finish. Edward, apparently, so mad that he didn't waste time talking and just punched the kid in the face.

Coming to a stop in front of me he said in a slow voice and evil smile, "Emmett, karma's a bitch." I couldn't help the slightly scared look on my face at those words. Edward almost never swore. Renesmee and Jacob turned up at that moment. Edward then turned to Bella, put his arm around her and lead the way to the lunch room. I could hear Bella's stifled giggles.

_End of the day_

EmPov

School was over we walked out to the cars. All was well. Edward didn't talk to me at all. Oh well. With my arm around Rosalie I made my way over to my Jeep.

Something between a scream and a choke escaped my throat.

There was my car. In all its glory. Painted like a rainbow on crack. 'Taste the Rainbow! GAY PRIDE!' No, no no no! it this was so… just… wrong! How could he… WHAT! I could hardly form a coherent sentence in my head.

The ride home was utterly silent. I was just to pissed. I might have had it coming but this was just to far. Now it made sense what took him so long to meet up with us at lunch. At least the day had a silver lining. Canada was tomorrow! There's no way I'm going to let him get away with this. I have a particular… preference as to who was going to be sitting with him on the plane trip. And it sure as hell wasn't going to be a Cullen.

**A/N: Okay. Here is your update! Sorry it took so long. I was immersed in Harry Potter (I know I'm late. I just read all seven books in august!) I will now try my very very best to update once a week!**


	8. Almost There

**A/N: CAUTION, HARRY POTTER SPOILERS IN THIS A/N- Well, I do have another reason why I haven't been updating, I was reading harry potter, again, and I have also been immersed in Fred and George fanfic's so please don't blame me! It's so easy to be in love with them! (If you know Fred isn't dead (George won't allow it!) read **_**Fox Ears**_** by The Starhorse, Fred is re-freded once more! Makes total sense and it's in cannon!)**

**Disclaimer: don't own anything except my computer.**

BPOV

Well it's practically time to go to Canada. Practically hours and hours of a long and tedious flight. At least I'll be with family right? And Edward will be there. All I have to do is concentrate on him. Even so, there has to be something else to do. Maybe I'll read. Yes I've read a lot of books over the many, many years of my vamptastic life .This one book though, I have refused to read. Harry Potter. I don't know, something about the hype of it all just put me off reading it. I guess I'll give in.

Due to the fact that I can read very fast, I decided to go to the library to check out all seven of the books in the series.

"Alice, Nessie, Rose," I yelled upstairs to my female siblings and daughter from where I was sitting on the couch, "Wanna go with me to the library?" Almost immediately, three pairs of feet walked quickly and gracefully down the stairs.

Having an all girls hunting trip last night, the guys decided to chose today to get there fill before the "school vacation" as our principle like to put it.

"Mom, why on earth would we want to go to the library?" I loved my daughter to pieces but I really wish she inherited my love of reading. She likes it, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't read for fun like her father and I. I say Alice corrupted her but she beg's to differ.

"Because honey, I want to have something to do on the plane to Canada tomorrow. I'm sure you don't want to see me ogling your father the whole ride do you?" I laughed when her face twisted into a disgusted grimace.

"Oh Bella, you are just going to love this. I think we should all read Harry Potter, but the library won't have all the copies we need. I know, we'll buy them. Trust me, you'll be glad." Of course Alice already knew what to do.

"Alice I wasn't planning on starting a book club of eight." I said before she could get too excited. "I just want a nice little group of one."

"Fine then we'll start a little group of four! C'mon we'll take my Porsche, it's faster." Alice decided that since she loved her yellow Porsche so much that she kept buying a new one (same type and everything) when the old one got too bad.

"Shotgun!" said a strangely overexcited Rosalie. I wonder what got into her.

The ride to the book store was a short one. As Alice said, her Porsche was faster.

It was strangely easy to find the Harry Potter series. A hundred years and it was still going strong. Apparently though, not much people bought books anymore, so we were able to get four copies of the seven books.

"Wow this shit is thick!"

"Renesmee Carlie Masen Cullen Black! You will not speak like that!" but I had to agree, some of these books were rather fat. "Well, more to read I guess. How much do they cost."

"Twenty dollars each so that's 560 dollars all together." Again I was surprised. Rosalie was the one eagerly looking at the back covers for the prices. "Well that's good. We've brought more than enough. C'mon." And showing no hesitation she grabbed all 28 books, she could hardly see over them so I took half.

When we went to pay, the cashier lady thought we were crazy. "You know these all cost over a hundred dollars right?" she asked in a snotty voice. It was obvious she didn't like books in general. She looked at them like they were mosquitos. If she didn't like them so much, why work in a book shop. I would never voice this but it was still in my mind.

"Yes we know that. Now if you will be so kind as to GIVE ME MY DAMNED BOOKS I will gladly be on my way." It was hard to keep in my laughter. Especially after seeing the cashiers face. Rosalie's outburst was rather scary but it would have been rude to laugh at the poor child. Renesmee wasn't so considerate and she let out a tiny giggle.

"Why yes ma'm, sorry ma'm." The cashier lady was quiet flustered and failed repeatedly trying to jam a rather thick copy of the series into a full bag. When it split in half after being pushed too far, Alice let out a stifled giggle.

Finally the visually embarrassed cashier got all of the books into neat separate bags and we were on our way.

The ride home was tense. Rosalie was doing a very good impression of Alice. She was bouncing with, presumably, excitement. I decided that now was the time to voice my curiosity.

"Rose, are you okay? You've been rather hyper since we left the house."

"Yeah Bella, I'm fine!" She emphasized this with another bounce in her seat.

"Then why are you acting like me?" Alice piped up from the driver's seat.

"Yeah Auntie Rose, this isn't like you." Renesmee was now staring at her aunt wearily, as if she might explode.

"Okay fine, if you guys must know, I've read Harry Potter before." And she turned around as if this explained everything.

"And," I prodded, "that doesn't explain why you're so hyper now."

"Well, it's a very good book but it can also be rather confusing. When I read it I just wanted to finish it, so I don't think I really paid attention to some things. Now is my chance to actually understand it on a deeper level. Does that make any sense?" She finished with a slightly desperate look in her eyes. As if she was pleading us to understand.

"Yeah that makes sense." I supplied and conversation stopped there.

"Okay you guys! It's time to get packed!" Alice yelled to the house. It was three in the morning and Edward and I were just having a particularly spectacular make out session. We pulled apart with incredible difficulty.

"Time to go love." He said with a playfully illegal smirk. His hair was rather messed up from my fingers and he looked way to fuckable for his own good.

"Yeah, yeah whatever." I grumbled. As soon as Edward grabbed his and (against my wishes) my own bags, we walked hastily downstairs to say goodbye to Esme and Carlisle. If Esme could cry, she would have been.

"Mom, its only for two weeks. Think of it as an overly long hunting trip." Emmett said walking over to Esme. He immediately enveloped her in hug that practically made her disappear. She was shaking and apparently Emmett's hug calmed her a little. She immediately went into mom mode.

"Don't forget to call me every night. I need to know if you're safe." She gave each of us long hugs in turn.

"Don't worry Ma." And a calming aura suddenly settled on the house. Esme's shaking stopped immediately and she gave Jasper a thankful glance.

"Yeah Esme, what could possibly happen to 6 vampires, a half breed and a wolf in Canada?" said Jacob sarcastically.

At 3:30 AM we all headed out to the school. 2000 bucks, 17 bags, 8 teens. Wait I think I just had an _Annie_ moment. Oh well.

**A/N: Okay this is it. The update. If I get reviews, I might be able to update faster. I don't know what it is but, reviews make me think that people actually care for my work. So Read and Review! (Again, if you really don't believe that Fred is dead, because he's not, then read **_**Fox Ears **_**by The Starhorse. Now when you yell at your friends about Fred being alive, you can prove it! It's defiantly worth it!) by the way, I don't at all know The Starhorse. I just love the story.**


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